Should I Fear Men?

I drove the forty miles home with the words “At some point in time you seem to have lost your fear of men” running through my mind. Those words had been spoken to me earlier in the day. I work as a paralegal/secretary for an individual attorney. My boss is an odd mix of compassion, sarcasm, honesty, and to quote a friend of mine, “a dick.” I never know what to expect of him. He’s in his fifties and admits to being a former hippie.

I was sitting at my desk trying to get subpoenas ready for a trial coming up the middle of the month. Knowing that we were already late in getting the subpoenas out, I was focusing on the task at hand. My boss walked up to my desk and asked me to fax some documents to another attorney. I took the documents and turned to go to the fax machine.

“You’re scaring me,” he stated. Puzzled, I asked him what he meant. “You have a cup of coffee sitting here and I’m afraid you’re going to knock it over.” He then went on to comment that I also had a Diet Pepsi on my desk. “This isn’t a bar room, you don’t need that many drinks on your desk.” I promptly picked up the coffee and moved it to a “safe” location on my desk, though it was in no danger of being knocked over.

My boss walked to the coffee pot and as he was fixing his coffee he said, “You just ignore me. Both drinks are still sitting on your desk, you just moved things around. At some point in time you seem to have lost your fear of men.” Thinking that I had misunderstood him, I said, “I beg your pardon.” He repeated his statement. Now I’m not usually at a loss for words, but there I sat, my mouth open, my mind racing, and my blood pressure rising.

Was he implying that only men were in positions of power and authority? Wait, why should I have a fear of men? I’ve never feared men. For that bit of wisdom I can thank my mother, for what she taught me by example. However, if any women on this earth have reason to fear men, I’m sure I’m one of them.

At the vulnerable age of five, my sixteen-year-old next-door neighbor molested me – with his mother looking on and laughing. From that experience I learned to be careful where you went and with whom you would be alone. When I was fifteen and just becoming a woman, I was raped by an acquaintance. When my father learned of the incident I was told it was because of my style of dressing (this was when mini-skirts and “hot pants” were in style). I must have been fairly smart at fifteen, for I knew it had nothing to do with the way I dressed and I knew it wasn’t my fault. This definitely reinforced my first lesson – with whom you choose to be alone, and taught me that if someone starts drinking, be more cautious.

While married, my husband, who had a problem with drinking, would frequently become enraged and hit me. I learned not to stay in an abusive relationship and to pay attention to how children and animals react to people. Sounds a bit strange, I’m sure. But you see, small children and animals can sense things about people, some type of instinct that adults seem to lose before they reach adolescence.

To quote a song, “I’m a survivor.” These things did not make me fear men. I just learned to use better judgment and be more vigilant. Now if a man is holding a weapon, hell yes, I’m afraid. But the same goes for a woman holding a weapon.

When I was training to become a deputy I had to work a certain number of hours in the jail before I could get on the road on criminal patrol. Several times I had to enter the different “dorms” in the jail at Covington. Most of the male prisoners treated me with respect, and it never bothered me going into the men’s dorm. On the other hand, I’ll never forget the first time I stepped into the women’s dorm. The hair on the back of my neck stood up. When I finished my assigned task, I went back to the “booking room.” I told the Sergeant on duty how I had felt when in the women’s dorm. He laughed and assured me that everyone felt that way when they had to cross the threshold of the women’s dorm. Which confirmed what I had learned in college, women tend to commit more violent and vicious crimes than men.

I wonder if my boss knows this? So I should be afraid of men? I think not, maybe they should be afraid of me.


Copyright 2002
SLG
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