Times they are a changin'

This was posted on my "G" rated blog entitled "Life as a Southern Woman in the 21st Century" and even though it isn't my usual "writing" posted here - I decided to post it anyway, including the introduction which accompanied it. As usual, all comments, negative and positive are welcome (as long as you don't decide to be a tattletale and call my Daddy ...lol).

OK - before you read this - rather than a Post script I'll put this up front. This is written "tongue in cheek" and if you decide you wish to read it and then call my Daddy and tell him the contents, shame on you. He's already aware of everything here - well, ALMOST everything here - and please refer to earlier writing titled "Self Expression" written Sept. 9, 2009. It's on my My Space Page. Now without further ado:

It's hard to believe it's been over two years since I've written anything on my G rated blog which was when Peyton started walking. Gosh - so much has changed. Alex got Peyton back in August 2008. She, Peyton and Chris lived in an apartment here in Slidell until December 2008. She and Peyton moved in with me then to prepare for her departure for bootcamp in April 2009. Since June 2007, I have gone from no grandchildren to four and two halves.....Alex and Amy are expecting again - so it will be six early next year. Looks like maybe three boys and three girls. I am indeed blessed. (Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own teenage children.)

December 2008, I was laid off from my position as a paralegal in New Orleans. I had been having difficulty with my eyes (inflammation caused by an infection in my eyes) which made it almost impossible to be as efficient or accurate in drafting, editing, proofing and finalizing legal documents - the crux of my job. Ironic, because in my 30s I returned to college so that I could obtain a better paying position so I could support myself and my children without having to depend on anyone else; incurring student loans out the wazoo, only to find I cannot perform that job any longer. On the bright side - I hated working for attorneys anyway.

I have been working as a substitute teacher and paraprofessional as often as possible. Usually at the alternative school or with the behavior disorder kids. Funny, I'd rather work with "bad kids" than "good attorneys" (good attorney, honest attorney - both are definitely oxymorons). June of this year, I took the course required to become "certified" as a paraprofessional so that maybe I can obtain a full-time position as SOMETHING working with these kids with special needs.

I quit smoking the first of April. Haven't had a cigarette since then, and haven't killed anyone yet either - close call a couple of times, but so far, I'm not a homicidal maniac. And now if the weather will cooperate so I can exercise more, maybe the tension and calories will be eliminated more efficiently and I won't have to buy larger clothes. Cleaning house isn't exactly "weight reduction" exercise, and as far as other indoor exercise, please see paragraphs #6 and #7.(OK - now to the "Puritans" who might be reading this - that was a joke, sorry if it offended, wait, no I'm not - if you're offended, you should already know better than reading my writings...).

Brian made it to high school. He is attending his older brothers' (and wonderful sister-in-law's) Alma mater, Salmen. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he applies himself and does well. He doesn't realize it yet, but he may just be the next Einstein, if I could just get him to focus and do what he should. You know, the way my kids end(ed) up is actually my Mama's fault. I recall as a teenager when Mama would get frustrated she would tell me, "I hope you have one [a child] just like you." Well, I have four - each one has a different aspect of what must have been an undesirable characteristic of mine. Gosh, Mama, I'm so sorry - it took four kids to cover all of my "bad habits and characteristics." How did you remain sane? Obviously, my parents are both saints.

My relationship with Tom fell apart in 2008 and 2009 - on again, off again - many broken promises of change (him, not me). I allowed him to stay here for months as a "roommate" because he had no place else to go - and like Mama tells me - I'm too nice for my own good. But when my son became aware of the drinking, staying out all night - those types of activities in which Tom was participating, I issued an ultimatum - stop or move out. Two more broken promises/rules later - I packed his belongings and had them ready one morning when he finally stumbled home after a night of drinking and hoeing (as Brian called it) One slap (him to me), one 911 call (me to STPSO) and a hasty exit (him)later, I was, as Gilbert O'Sullivan sang, "alone again, naturally."

I have dated on and off since then; a couple of people I dated for several months (not at the same time), but I'm taking my time. I'd thought about coming up with a psychological test to give prospective "dates," but I decided to try and steer clear of "certain types." For example, those who tend to drink in excess; who think they are rocket scientist and aren't (I have actually met one rocket scientist); those from whom small children and animals flee (usually a good indicator that person's evil); those who proclaim they avoid drama (first, define drama, no one likes excessive drama, and I try to avoid it, but get a grip - life is full of drama - if it's not, you're either a priest or nun - oops, on second thought - you must be a nun - some priests tend to CAUSE drama); those people will be immediately eliminated from my "short list" (like I have a "long list"....lol....I WISH). So in other words, ANYONE whom I would have dated or with whom I would have become seriously involved in the past is to be avoided like the plague. But seriously, right now I'm not worried about "dating" - I'm concentrating on Brian and finding a job - the order of those two priorities differs from day to day.

So as I try to re-discover myself; well, I was always here, just hiding at times (God, now I sound like I'm in need of a psychological test) and try to find another job, I have come to the realization that the philosophical ideas by which I have directed my life are better than most: Be yourself; treat the earth and other living things with respect; be respectful to your elders (whether they deserve it or not); be kind to animals, children and your elders; always be honest but tactful; laugh as often as you can; and love totally and unconditionally. I may get hurt and others may take advantage of me, but when my time is up, I will have no regrets. Because, like the title of Jim Morrison's biography, "No one here gets out alive."

Confederate Flag - Heritage NOT Hate!

IS THE AMERICAN FLAG A SYMBOL OF HATE? The first American flag was designed in 1776 to represent the original 13 states in their struggle for independence against Great Britain. The Confederate Flag was a flag designed to represent the Confederate States in their struggle for independence against the "Union." Of course, the ignorant, think the Civil War was fought to preserve slavery. The Civil War was fought over states rights and economics, though most history books emphasize the slavery aspect of the war.
South Carolina adopted an ordinance declaring its secession from the Union shortly after Lincoln was elected president in 1860, by February 1861, six more Southern states had adopted ordinances of secession. All federal forts in these southern states (with the exception of four) had been seized by the state in which it was located. Ft. Sumter in Charleston, South Carolina was one of those 4 forts. At 3:20 a.m., April 12, 1861, the Confederates informed Anderson (who was in charge of the federal troops at Ft. Sumter) that they would open fire in one hour. At 4:30 a.m., a single mortar round fired from Fort Johnson exploded over Fort Sumter, making the start of the bombardment from 43 guns and mortars at Fort Moultrie, Fort Johnson. The official "first flag" of the Confederacy had a single palmetto leaf - which represented the state of South Carolina. It can still be seen encased in the musuem at Ft. Moultrie. Since the palmetto leaf is a South Carolina symbol, once the other states had unified against the "Union" - once President Lincoln declared war on the South (yep, it wasn't the SOUTH that declared war - it was the NORTH), the confederate flag as we know it was designed to represent all the Confederate States. Lincoln issued the first Emancipation Proclamation on September 22, 1862, which declared the freedom of all slaves in any state of the Confederate States of America that did not return to Union control by January 1, 1863. So if the "slaves were not freed" until 17 months AFTER LINCOLN DECLARED WAR ON THE SOUTHERN STATES - how the hell do people think the South was fighting over the slaves being freed? YES - the Civil Was was fought over economics - hell - the North was buying the raw materials (cotton, tobacco, etc.) for pennies - taking the raw materials to Northern manufacturing plants to make finished goods - which they then sold BACK to the south for a hefty profit. France wanted to buy the raw materials and pay 10 times what the northern states were paying - BUT the federal government passed legislation which prohibited the South from exporting these raw materials without paying a VERY HIGH TARIFF (taxes) - which meant they would end up with less money than the North was willing to pay for the goods (ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME ON THIS?). The only way to prevent this was to withdraw from the Union. The Federal Government told the South they could not do that. Well - any TRUE SOUTHERNER knows - it's not a good idea to tell us that we are forbidden to do something which is in our best interest.
OK - now YES - most Southern Plantations owned slaves - but hey, guess what - they didn't own slave ships - those belonged to the NORTH! Who went to various places, bought Africans who were sold into slavery by their own people, transported them to the United States, and then sold them (and yes, many in the South owned slaves - but so did MANY people in the North. Now, don't get me wrong, SLAVERY IS WRONG - in any way shape form or fashion. BUT HELL - MY PEOPLE - THE CELTS - WERE ENSLAVED LONG BEFORE ANYONE KNEW WHERE THE HELL AFRICA WAS!!! So, I'm sorry - I am not telling the Queen of England or the chicken sh#t French that they OWE ME something because my ancestors were once sold into slavery or that they have to change their flag.
The Confederate Flag is a sign of PRIDE IN HERITAGE - NOT HATE. If you think it's hate - you a product of revisionist history - and you need to get educated. My motto is 'AMERICAN BY BIRTH - SOUTHERN BY THE GRACE OF GOD!" And those raised in the SOUTH - know exactly what it means - the South is the greatest place on this Earth. But you Northerners just stay where you are...lol. We like our South just like it is!

Have You Seen a Unicorn?

Have you seen a unicorn?

I am searching for a unicorn, yes a unicorn.

Crazy you say, yes it is,

for a Unicorn is but a mythical creature,

a beautiful creature, a noble creature.

A unicorn is selfless yet solitary, fierce yet good,

graceful yet unconquerable;

and only captured by means of trickery.

Unicorns were never feared

But always admired and even coveted for their magic.

Have you seen a unicorn?

Nor have I, and I truly do not search for one.

But I think I shall find a unicorn

before I find the true thing for which I search.

That illusive love, that connection;

some call it a soulmate, Plato called it a splitapart.

I had such dreams, such naïve ideas

I searched for the one I had loved but not in this life

I knew I had loved in another lifetime

and felt that love had survived death into eternity.

Have you seen a unicorn?

I’m giving up my search, for like the unicorn,

it is a mythical concept,

It is an illusion at best; one I was a fool to believe;

and at worse, it’s a lie.

Twice I believed I had made that connection,

but it seems I was wrong.

Either I was mistaken, or they lied, for you see,

it doesn’t really exist, now does it?

No I haven't seen a unicorn, silly, they don't exist.

..........

©Copyright 2010....

SLG....

All rights reserved. No further use,....

reproduction, or distribution in any form,....

including print, electronic or otherwise, may be....

made without the express permission of the author.

May 26, 2010

Used

Yesterday was a very enlightening day at my house. Well, my “roommate” – since he had decided he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me any longer – decided he was going to break at least 2 of the conditions of him being allowed to stay here. I had told him he could stay here as long as he 1) helped with the bills, 2) did NOT drink, 3) did not stay out all night and 4) no more dating websites or having women flaunted in my face. It was hell having him here, hell on my heart (read “Just Friends”). Wednesday night he told me he was going to get oil. He was upset because his computer was not working again. The dog had knocked it off the chair back in July – and the screen had to be replaced. He swears I broke it – but I didn’t touch his computer! Well, I called the guy who had fixed the computer and then tried to call my “roommate.” He wouldn’t answer his phone. Several hours later, he sent me a text message saying “I’ll bring a cab home.” OK – translated – “I’m drunk, won’t drive, will take a cab home.” But, from past experience, I knew that meant I wouldn’t hear from him again until sometime Thursday. My reply text to him was “If you’re drinking, do NOT bother coming back. You can pick up your belongings on Thursday.” I went to sleep.

Thursday I had a doctor’s appointment in Bogalusa. He called me around 8:45. I told him I had to leave by 9:30 to go to the doctor, to please hurry up and come get his stuff. He showed up around 9:00. I had all his belongings packed and in the hall. He went past them, and went and got in the shower. When he got out, I told him again, he needed to hurry, get his things and leave because I had to leave also. He told me he didn’t know what he was going to do, so he wasn’t leaving yet. I picked up some of his belongings and started to take them to his van. He hit the clothes - and my hand at the same time - and scared the crap out of me.

He told me that he had done SO MUCH for me and this was the thanks he got. Yes, he’s been giving me money on the bills weekly, which includes bills HE helps create AND the insurance on his vehicle. Now keep in mind - between 14 - 17 months of the 3 1/2 years he was out of a job - NO income at all - I was working and paying all his bills, his child support, his van payment (which the loan was in MY name and I had put the $1500 down payment on it - he only recently - December - got the money for the van paid back - didn't ask for the child support or the other bills I paid for him). So I told him that I had done things for him too - one was sitting in the driveway (the van). He said - yeah, my sister and I talked about it - it took you a month to get me a vehicle that is a LONG time, if you had NOT made arrangements for me to get a vehicle, I would have left you then. I couldn't believe it. Yes, I had just received my income tax refund (a week or two before I DID get the van) so I did have the money. But HOW IS IT THAT I OWED IT TO HIM TO PROVIDE HIM WITH A VEHICLE? He didn’t have one when we met. I had let him use one I had, but then the axle broke and he didn’t have a way to work. I was leaving early every day, taking him to work, going on to work myself, when I would get off work, I would go sit for several hours waiting for him to get off. He said, “You were content to drive me to work every day.” WHAT? This was a pleasure for me? Having to leave early, go out of my way, sit for hours waiting for him to get off, then drive home? What’s wrong with this picture?


Then he told me he had contributed a LOT to our relationship, not emotionally, never emotionally, but financially he had contributed a lot. I said so, “You never cared about me?” His answer was a resounding NO! He went on to tell me that he knew he would eventually end up on the street because I was such a cold-hearted bitch. Well yeah - how many women put up with the crap I did for that length of time - I should be committed for what I put up with and then let him continue to stay here!!!!

In shock, I picked the stuff up again - took it to the van and came back to get more stuff. That's when he punched my purse, sending everything flying across the room, breaking a medicine bottle and the meds going all over the place, then he hit the light fixture (thankfully, it didn't break). I picked up the phone and called the cops - stayed on the phone with them while I loaded all his stuff in the van. Then I told him they were on the way - he got his keys, dressed quickly and left. The police filed a report. I told them he didn't MEAN to hit me - though a neighbor came over while they were here and told them he had heard him tell me that I needed to be punched in the head. I missed my doctor’s appointment, because I had to wait on the cops - called and explained what happened and they rescheduled it.

So how stupid do I feel? I loved this man, unconditionally with every thing I had. I put up with things I had never tolerated in the past. I invested all this emotion, love – and hell yeah, MONEY into this relationship to find out – it was one-sided the whole time. And how is it he somehow felt or thought I OWED HIM? So I’m a cold-hearted bitch? Hum….no, more like a fool that loved too much.

OK – now look up the definition of naïve in the dictionary. See that picture of that woman next to it as an illustration? Well, that’s me.

Just Friends?

Many times when a relationship ends, one party will tell the other, I’d like to remain friends. Usually the party making this statement is the one who is ending the relationship. And I have been guilty of doing this, but it was usually when ending a relationship that should have never gone beyond friendship in the first place.

I was on the receiving end of that line recently, except he phrased it something along the lines “I want us to be cool.” This is a 42 year old man – now I know I may not be the most “up-to-date” person as far as lingo is concerned, but that sounds like something a teen or someone in their early 20s would say. And what the heck does that mean anyway? I asked a friend of mine who said in the urban culture that usually means “friends with benefits.” Well, I know that’s NOT what he meant – he hadn’t touched me in an intimate manner for months BEFORE he decided to tell me the relationship was over, so I KNOW that’s not what he meant.

Oh, and they usually always tell you “It’s not that I’ve found someone else” or “It’s not that I want someone else.” Geez – well obviously, you do NOT want the person with whom you were in the relationship ergo you MUST want someone else. Of course, this phrase came out of the mouth of a man that had been telling me he loved me while placing profiles on various dating sites and also going out drinking and staying out all night. Even told me that he had not been with another woman since he had met me, though evidence has proven otherwise. For months, no – a couple of years, not months, I actually believed him. By the way, if you look up the definition of the word “naïve” in the dictionary, my picture is there as an illustration of the word.

This is also someone that told me early in our relationship that once a relationship was over, he didn’t communicate with his ex-girlfriends. So am I to believe that I’m going to be the exception? And what about the pain it causes the person who has been told they are worthy of only “friendship” and nothing more (in this cause, that would be ME)? Funny, how the interest waned after I lost my job. Now, this may just be coincidental, but it has also left me in a very vulnerable situation. Staying here is convenient for him (and although he won’t admit it, a LOT cheaper than finding his own place) and because of various reasons, I have been unable to find a job, so I need someone to help with the bills. So is it a recipe for disaster? No, just constant pain without healing. You can’t heal when you keep exposing yourself to that which injured you in the first place, now can you? Does that mean I’m a masochist? Not really, I just have to put pride aside to be sure the kids have food, shelter, running water and power.

So when you tell someone that the relationship is over but you want to remain friends – or “be cool” – keep in mind, it may not be painful to you and may seem like the perfect solution, but then, there’s no pain on your part, you have no feelings invested so you don’t have anything to lose, do you?

Death of an Angel

I grabbed the plate with one hand, the dishtowel in the other. Resentfully, I ran the damp towel over the slippery, white plate, half-conscious of the late new blaring in the next room.

"The manager of a Mr. Quick convenient store was fatally wounded in an attempted armed robbery around 8:00 tonight." Like in the movies, the plate slid from my hand, floating toward the floor. The crash reverberating in my ears, I watched the pieces bounce up only to clatter into smaller and smaller pieces as they hit the floor. With robot-like movements I got my purse, feeling for the cold metal of my car keys. My mind was racing. 'Mike's the only manager that works at night. Did he say fatal? Maybe it was a Seven-Eleven, not a Mr. Quik. Maybe it was the cook, not the manager.'

The car complained with groans and sputters from being awakened and put into gear before it had time to warm up. Thank God after years, driving becomes a mechanical response.

Mike and I had co-managed a store when I worked for Mr. Quik. All the fighting over differences of opinion had served to strengthen the blond between us. He always referred to me as his "better half," but he was by far the better of the two. He was a good man. He went out of his way for his fellow man. Like the time J.C. was six dollars short of the amount of his purchase. Mike told him just to bring it by when he had the extra money, and Mike put the six dollars in the register from his own pocket. J.C. never had "extra" money and Mike knew that.

I could see the lights from the store now. There was Mike's orange and white GTO. And I could see Reese, the supervisor, and all these people standing around like a bad spirit had cast a spell on them, filling their limbs with sand so they could barely move.

Stumbling from the car, I shoved my way through the crowd, calling Mike's name, praying that I would hear that funny "Bay St. Louis" accent saying "Hey Sher, what's up." But the voice never came. The shocked response on the faces of the people I pasted while calling his name knotted my stomach like a vice squeezing my insides dry. "No, it couldn't have been Mike," I though, "why would God be so cruel as to take away my best friend?"

Went I reached Jerry, I saw his lips form the words, "It was Mike." I never actually heard the words. What I did hear was the gravel, making grating sounds like fingernails on a chalkboard as my feet slid out from under me. I saw the gound getting closer. A horrible scream pierced the hushed voices; everyone looked at me. Was that my voice which sounding like a banshee in the night, out of control and mourning?

I saw Mother kneel beside me, or was I dreaming, she was fuzzy and hazy. She knew Mike and I were close friends. I heard voices in the distance; she was speaking with someone. Someone took my arm and with cold fingers pushed up my sleeve. I felt a small prick, but no pain, as I became aware that the man who held my arm so tenderly was a paramedic.

It seemed like an eternity later my senses dulled even more. I could feel nothing but my eyelids struggling against the weight. Everything was growing gray, like the dusk moving in on me; then black. I felt peacefully silly. How long since I had slept. It felt like days. I was slipping down, down into the darkness. Was I dying too? I hoped so. Maybe I would see Mike there.
January 1979

I wrote this in January 1979. It took me almost three years before I could put it on paper. Michael Alexander Romanoff was shot and killed in an attempted-armed robbery on May 29, 1976. He was only 22 years young. Several months later, Charles Sylvester Bell was arrested for the murder of Danny Montgomery, the owner of another convenient store. Bell was convicted and sentenced to death in Montgomery's death, and was sentenced to life in prison for Mike's murder. As far as I know, Bell still resides on death row in Parchman Penitentiary in Mississippi. Two of my children bear his name in his memory -- my son, Jeremy Michael, and my daughter Alexandria Kristine.

Men are from Mars

I get this e-mail from time to time which states, “You may be only one person in this world, but you may be the world to one person.” Generally, I forward it, thinking yes, that’s so true. Yeah right. Now if you’re a man, this may be true. Some stupid woman has fallen in love with you – sometimes rarely, a woman might feel what I call “unconditional love” for you. Besides what I have always felt for my children, there has been twice in my adult life I could honestly say that someone was my whole world. BIG MISTAKE!!! You see ladies, when we fall for a man; most of us place him as the “center” of our universe (there is of course, the multitude of women out there that feel they are the center of the entire universe – and for them, there is no room for someone else). In all facets of our life, before we make any decision, his thoughts, feelings, reactions, well-being, etc. are considered, and then we make our decision.

Guess what ladies, men are wired differently. When a man “falls” for a woman, she becomes a facet of his life. Yep that’s right ladies, just another facet – like in a diamond, the more facets, the brighter it shines. No, I’m not saying that he has all these other ladies in his life; it’s things like work, sports, hobbies, friends, and a wealth of other interests that make up his life. We’re just one piece – one facet, sometimes we’re one of the smaller facets around the top and sometimes we’re one of the larger facets which make up the “base” of his life, which help add more of the brilliance or “shine” to his life.

Women have other interests in their lives also, but when a man becomes the center of her universe, those other interests are like “moons” orbiting the planet, or the planets orbiting the sun. Those interest help us maintain a healthy, well-rounded life, but without the “planet” or “sun” there is nothing, the interests, like planets which no longer feel the gravitational pull of the sun, or the moons that depend on the planet for the path of their orbit, spins wildly into space and the universe collapses into itself.

So now, my dilemma; do I try to fashion my way of thinking, of feeling, or loving, more like that of a male and give up being able to give and feel that unconditional love? Oh, I’ve heard so many people say that they have given unconditional love, but it is so rare, most people have no concept of what it truly is. See humans have this built-in survival mechanism that prevents them from giving unconditional love. And considering that men don’t place women at the center of their universe, that means it would be the very rare man that would even have the possibility of experiencing unconditional love – giving it, not receiving it. When you give unconditional love you open yourself up to the possibility of total devastation, with no regard for self-preservation. You are willing to give up almost anything and everything for that person and their happiness. Pretty stupid, huh?

My first experience with unconditional love almost destroyed me. The end of that relationship was not a result of our feelings for each other. It was not anything I did wrong or anything he did wrong it was something beyond our control (or so I have constantly told myself, and I honestly believe it) so my self-esteem was still intact. Would I go back and do things differently – absolutely not, for it revealed to me what is possible. How two people can relate to each other and communicate with each other on many levels that surpass the physical and emotional, and even spiritual level. At times the two people do become one entity. To many that might sound crazy, but it is the most amazing feeling a human can experience – at least while earth-bound.

My second choice of whom to bestow my special gift of unconditional love was not so wise. He would think I was insane if I even tried to express these ideas or feelings to him. As the relationship started to dissolve, I tried every way I knew to try to mend things. I read research and read voraciously for solutions; what I needed to do; what we needed to do to “fix-things.” And I found some solutions, things that could be done to make a relationship, even one that seems shattered, whole again. But he was not interested, said he doesn’t think a solution can be found by reading a couple of chapters in a book. Tell that to a mathematician or a scientist. I felt like saying, well, if someone you loved was dying, wouldn’t you try whatever you thought might help to prevent their death? No, this wasn’t not a matter of life or death of a human being, it was just the collapse of my universe.

So unlike the first time, not only did my universe collapse, but my “self” was destroyed in the process. So back to my dilemma; do I learn to love like a male? Do I build these walls around my heart to make sure that no man again becomes the center of my universe, keep them relegated or consigned to being only another facet of my life?