Just Friends?

Many times when a relationship ends, one party will tell the other, I’d like to remain friends. Usually the party making this statement is the one who is ending the relationship. And I have been guilty of doing this, but it was usually when ending a relationship that should have never gone beyond friendship in the first place.

I was on the receiving end of that line recently, except he phrased it something along the lines “I want us to be cool.” This is a 42 year old man – now I know I may not be the most “up-to-date” person as far as lingo is concerned, but that sounds like something a teen or someone in their early 20s would say. And what the heck does that mean anyway? I asked a friend of mine who said in the urban culture that usually means “friends with benefits.” Well, I know that’s NOT what he meant – he hadn’t touched me in an intimate manner for months BEFORE he decided to tell me the relationship was over, so I KNOW that’s not what he meant.

Oh, and they usually always tell you “It’s not that I’ve found someone else” or “It’s not that I want someone else.” Geez – well obviously, you do NOT want the person with whom you were in the relationship ergo you MUST want someone else. Of course, this phrase came out of the mouth of a man that had been telling me he loved me while placing profiles on various dating sites and also going out drinking and staying out all night. Even told me that he had not been with another woman since he had met me, though evidence has proven otherwise. For months, no – a couple of years, not months, I actually believed him. By the way, if you look up the definition of the word “naïve” in the dictionary, my picture is there as an illustration of the word.

This is also someone that told me early in our relationship that once a relationship was over, he didn’t communicate with his ex-girlfriends. So am I to believe that I’m going to be the exception? And what about the pain it causes the person who has been told they are worthy of only “friendship” and nothing more (in this cause, that would be ME)? Funny, how the interest waned after I lost my job. Now, this may just be coincidental, but it has also left me in a very vulnerable situation. Staying here is convenient for him (and although he won’t admit it, a LOT cheaper than finding his own place) and because of various reasons, I have been unable to find a job, so I need someone to help with the bills. So is it a recipe for disaster? No, just constant pain without healing. You can’t heal when you keep exposing yourself to that which injured you in the first place, now can you? Does that mean I’m a masochist? Not really, I just have to put pride aside to be sure the kids have food, shelter, running water and power.

So when you tell someone that the relationship is over but you want to remain friends – or “be cool” – keep in mind, it may not be painful to you and may seem like the perfect solution, but then, there’s no pain on your part, you have no feelings invested so you don’t have anything to lose, do you?