How do you begin a letter to someone who has become your life, your heart, and your reason for being? Someone who means so much to you, but who has left you behind? I try to block the wonderful memories, which makes the pain so gripping that it's hard to bear.
My heart still catches in my throat each time I hear the AOL "door opening" which once indicated you had logged on. And I still look at the "buddy list" hoping and praying, only to have my heart sink when I see it's not you. How do I keep my hope from automatically rising at that sound? I miss the "zing" that accompanied your responses when we chatted for hours on end. That sound was more wonderful that the songs of the birds seeking their mates.
The first time we spoke on the phone, we talked all night. Nine hours was a record for me, though I have never been one to have problems communicating. But then we broke the nine-hour record several times, didn't we? We shared the sunrise many mornings, in different time zones. I remember the first time I saw you, in the airport. You hugged me, and my knees went weak. You always said I pushed you away, I didn't. The feelings that first touch ignited were a shock, and I've never been one that was easily shocked. But our relationship and my reactions and feelings have supplied me with many "shocks" or surprises. Gosh, I was so nervous that day, and yes, you did feel the tremors during that first hug. But apparently, my nervous state didn't keep me from kissing you. I still laugh aloud when I think about that. I had NEVER kissed someone first. It was so natural and spontaneous. As I sat back and realized what I had done, there had to have been disbelief in my eyes. To this day, I still can't believe my actions. But I've never regretted it or anything about loving you. Little did I know those feelings I felt at that time were just a precursor.
The mountains in Tennessee that we didn't get to see except when your need for food overcame our need to be alone in the private world our love provided. Most people would assume I was speaking of physical pleasures, but those were always secondary, weren't they? It was the feeling of completeness and oneness that made the outside world unnecessary when we were together.
Our walk along the wilderness trail, the stolen kisses, and the passion they ignited. The beach and the beautiful sunset, my moment in time, in which the world did disappear. No two beings can ever have been as close as we were at that time. Please remember it and me with a smile and a feeling of warmth.
Yes, as you have reminded me so many times in the past, I knew the inevitabilities. We are from different cultures, though that really caused no major problems in our relationship, it's sometimes hard to accept the fact that it is your culture that bars us from being all things to one another. Yes, I always knew how it would end, because you were honest with me from the beginning. But I didn't expect to love you as I do, or need you as I came to need you, and I kept praying for a miracle. I have loved in the past, but nothing like this, and I have never experienced the type of pain I have felt since our parting.
My first trip to visit you was also filled with such joys. Sitting beside the lake and watching the breeze skim over the water. Standing under the night sky and watching the lights of the city, so cold but so warm inside from my love for you. Then the agonizing pain as I had to walk down the walkway to the plane and leave going home. No, I didn't look back, for if I had, I couldn't have left you. I would have turned around and stayed -- forever, if possible. But forever was never possible for us, was it?
I still have difficulty remembering our trip to Niagara Falls, the last time I saw you, kissed you, felt your arms encircle me and the feeling of loving you and feeling that you loved me. I cry myself to sleep, I cry in my sleep. It's so hard to keep from just giving in and giving up. It's hard to find a reason to go on at times. The pain grips me so strongly at times, and I weep. And the tears flow, but the pain does not ease. I just feel totally empty inside. I am hollow. I look for the faint light at the end of this tunnel of pain, despair and depression, but alas, there is no light, only darkness.
Yes, I have watched the sunset through the eyes of love, watched the water form crystal droplets as it rushed to crash over the rocks at the bottom of the falls. I know I will always love you as I do now and I will always believe that you were meant to be my true mate. So I wait patiently, and hope that maybe in the next life we can be together. You have my heart and my soul. And I will never have regrets. I hope you never have any regrets. All I ever wanted was your happiness, which above all else was most important.
I know you have gotten on with your life. But do you ever think of me? Do you ever miss me? Do you ever long to hold me, as I long to feel your arms around me and feel your lips on mine? Do feel anything besides friendship for me? Am I so easily forgotten? Is our love so easily dismissed?
So when will the flame of my love for you go out? When will the longing and pain end? Hopefully we will find each other in the next life and can be together then. If that is what you wish.
Always,
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