Yesterday was a very enlightening day at my house. Well, my “roommate” – since he had decided he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me any longer – decided he was going to break at least 2 of the conditions of him being allowed to stay here. I had told him he could stay here as long as he 1) helped with the bills, 2) did NOT drink, 3) did not stay out all night and 4) no more dating websites or having women flaunted in my face. It was hell having him here, hell on my heart (read “Just Friends”). Wednesday night he told me he was going to get oil. He was upset because his computer was not working again. The dog had knocked it off the chair back in July – and the screen had to be replaced. He swears I broke it – but I didn’t touch his computer! Well, I called the guy who had fixed the computer and then tried to call my “roommate.” He wouldn’t answer his phone. Several hours later, he sent me a text message saying “I’ll bring a cab home.” OK – translated – “I’m drunk, won’t drive, will take a cab home.” But, from past experience, I knew that meant I wouldn’t hear from him again until sometime Thursday. My reply text to him was “If you’re drinking, do NOT bother coming back. You can pick up your belongings on Thursday.” I went to sleep.
Thursday I had a doctor’s appointment in Bogalusa. He called me around 8:45. I told him I had to leave by 9:30 to go to the doctor, to please hurry up and come get his stuff. He showed up around 9:00. I had all his belongings packed and in the hall. He went past them, and went and got in the shower. When he got out, I told him again, he needed to hurry, get his things and leave because I had to leave also. He told me he didn’t know what he was going to do, so he wasn’t leaving yet. I picked up some of his belongings and started to take them to his van. He hit the clothes - and my hand at the same time - and scared the crap out of me.
He told me that he had done SO MUCH for me and this was the thanks he got. Yes, he’s been giving me money on the bills weekly, which includes bills HE helps create AND the insurance on his vehicle. Now keep in mind - between 14 - 17 months of the 3 1/2 years he was out of a job - NO income at all - I was working and paying all his bills, his child support, his van payment (which the loan was in MY name and I had put the $1500 down payment on it - he only recently - December - got the money for the van paid back - didn't ask for the child support or the other bills I paid for him). So I told him that I had done things for him too - one was sitting in the driveway (the van). He said - yeah, my sister and I talked about it - it took you a month to get me a vehicle that is a LONG time, if you had NOT made arrangements for me to get a vehicle, I would have left you then. I couldn't believe it. Yes, I had just received my income tax refund (a week or two before I DID get the van) so I did have the money. But HOW IS IT THAT I OWED IT TO HIM TO PROVIDE HIM WITH A VEHICLE? He didn’t have one when we met. I had let him use one I had, but then the axle broke and he didn’t have a way to work. I was leaving early every day, taking him to work, going on to work myself, when I would get off work, I would go sit for several hours waiting for him to get off. He said, “You were content to drive me to work every day.” WHAT? This was a pleasure for me? Having to leave early, go out of my way, sit for hours waiting for him to get off, then drive home? What’s wrong with this picture?
Then he told me he had contributed a LOT to our relationship, not emotionally, never emotionally, but financially he had contributed a lot. I said so, “You never cared about me?” His answer was a resounding NO! He went on to tell me that he knew he would eventually end up on the street because I was such a cold-hearted bitch. Well yeah - how many women put up with the crap I did for that length of time - I should be committed for what I put up with and then let him continue to stay here!!!!
In shock, I picked the stuff up again - took it to the van and came back to get more stuff. That's when he punched my purse, sending everything flying across the room, breaking a medicine bottle and the meds going all over the place, then he hit the light fixture (thankfully, it didn't break). I picked up the phone and called the cops - stayed on the phone with them while I loaded all his stuff in the van. Then I told him they were on the way - he got his keys, dressed quickly and left. The police filed a report. I told them he didn't MEAN to hit me - though a neighbor came over while they were here and told them he had heard him tell me that I needed to be punched in the head. I missed my doctor’s appointment, because I had to wait on the cops - called and explained what happened and they rescheduled it.
So how stupid do I feel? I loved this man, unconditionally with every thing I had. I put up with things I had never tolerated in the past. I invested all this emotion, love – and hell yeah, MONEY into this relationship to find out – it was one-sided the whole time. And how is it he somehow felt or thought I OWED HIM? So I’m a cold-hearted bitch? Hum….no, more like a fool that loved too much.
OK – now look up the definition of naïve in the dictionary. See that picture of that woman next to it as an illustration? Well, that’s me.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Just Friends?
Many times when a relationship ends, one party will tell the other, I’d like to remain friends. Usually the party making this statement is the one who is ending the relationship. And I have been guilty of doing this, but it was usually when ending a relationship that should have never gone beyond friendship in the first place.
I was on the receiving end of that line recently, except he phrased it something along the lines “I want us to be cool.” This is a 42 year old man – now I know I may not be the most “up-to-date” person as far as lingo is concerned, but that sounds like something a teen or someone in their early 20s would say. And what the heck does that mean anyway? I asked a friend of mine who said in the urban culture that usually means “friends with benefits.” Well, I know that’s NOT what he meant – he hadn’t touched me in an intimate manner for months BEFORE he decided to tell me the relationship was over, so I KNOW that’s not what he meant.
Oh, and they usually always tell you “It’s not that I’ve found someone else” or “It’s not that I want someone else.” Geez – well obviously, you do NOT want the person with whom you were in the relationship ergo you MUST want someone else. Of course, this phrase came out of the mouth of a man that had been telling me he loved me while placing profiles on various dating sites and also going out drinking and staying out all night. Even told me that he had not been with another woman since he had met me, though evidence has proven otherwise. For months, no – a couple of years, not months, I actually believed him. By the way, if you look up the definition of the word “naïve” in the dictionary, my picture is there as an illustration of the word.
This is also someone that told me early in our relationship that once a relationship was over, he didn’t communicate with his ex-girlfriends. So am I to believe that I’m going to be the exception? And what about the pain it causes the person who has been told they are worthy of only “friendship” and nothing more (in this cause, that would be ME)? Funny, how the interest waned after I lost my job. Now, this may just be coincidental, but it has also left me in a very vulnerable situation. Staying here is convenient for him (and although he won’t admit it, a LOT cheaper than finding his own place) and because of various reasons, I have been unable to find a job, so I need someone to help with the bills. So is it a recipe for disaster? No, just constant pain without healing. You can’t heal when you keep exposing yourself to that which injured you in the first place, now can you? Does that mean I’m a masochist? Not really, I just have to put pride aside to be sure the kids have food, shelter, running water and power.
So when you tell someone that the relationship is over but you want to remain friends – or “be cool” – keep in mind, it may not be painful to you and may seem like the perfect solution, but then, there’s no pain on your part, you have no feelings invested so you don’t have anything to lose, do you?
I was on the receiving end of that line recently, except he phrased it something along the lines “I want us to be cool.” This is a 42 year old man – now I know I may not be the most “up-to-date” person as far as lingo is concerned, but that sounds like something a teen or someone in their early 20s would say. And what the heck does that mean anyway? I asked a friend of mine who said in the urban culture that usually means “friends with benefits.” Well, I know that’s NOT what he meant – he hadn’t touched me in an intimate manner for months BEFORE he decided to tell me the relationship was over, so I KNOW that’s not what he meant.
Oh, and they usually always tell you “It’s not that I’ve found someone else” or “It’s not that I want someone else.” Geez – well obviously, you do NOT want the person with whom you were in the relationship ergo you MUST want someone else. Of course, this phrase came out of the mouth of a man that had been telling me he loved me while placing profiles on various dating sites and also going out drinking and staying out all night. Even told me that he had not been with another woman since he had met me, though evidence has proven otherwise. For months, no – a couple of years, not months, I actually believed him. By the way, if you look up the definition of the word “naïve” in the dictionary, my picture is there as an illustration of the word.
This is also someone that told me early in our relationship that once a relationship was over, he didn’t communicate with his ex-girlfriends. So am I to believe that I’m going to be the exception? And what about the pain it causes the person who has been told they are worthy of only “friendship” and nothing more (in this cause, that would be ME)? Funny, how the interest waned after I lost my job. Now, this may just be coincidental, but it has also left me in a very vulnerable situation. Staying here is convenient for him (and although he won’t admit it, a LOT cheaper than finding his own place) and because of various reasons, I have been unable to find a job, so I need someone to help with the bills. So is it a recipe for disaster? No, just constant pain without healing. You can’t heal when you keep exposing yourself to that which injured you in the first place, now can you? Does that mean I’m a masochist? Not really, I just have to put pride aside to be sure the kids have food, shelter, running water and power.
So when you tell someone that the relationship is over but you want to remain friends – or “be cool” – keep in mind, it may not be painful to you and may seem like the perfect solution, but then, there’s no pain on your part, you have no feelings invested so you don’t have anything to lose, do you?
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